Other than a virtual toilet to catch all the sh-t I fling out into the Internet, I often struggle with what this site is. Remember the last time you were on a really successful, populated, ad revenue-heavy site that had absolutely no focus or identity, huge lag between posts and amateur design? No you don’t. Because even though the Internet has very low to no standards, even that entity doesn’t exist.
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For all the ways the Internet enriches my life (hello never bored pooping), it also does a helluva job making me feel like a terrible mother and general all-around human being. Because if the Internet (and it's beautifully tweaked Wordpress sites) are to be believed, doing crafty things with and for your child, creating rambling meals chock-a-block full of exotic yet earthy ingredients, while capturing every exquisite expression to ever spread across their little faces is the NORM.
As a reminder to myself and for any new Mamas who are able to take advice better than I can, I have composed my first list of Do’s and Don’ts. It’s not exhaustive, because I am (that’s it – that’s as funny as I can be right now).
(From my phone’s notepad, and quoted in a previous post, but it makes me laugh, so here it is again):
I would pay $100 for diarrhea.
I can’t let that sentence go away, even though I know Nuv is super disgusted with me and by me, the more I loiter around it. Seriously, I’ll let you use your imaginations as to why I would make this revolting deal with the devil. You just have to wait and see how your bowels get so possessive about your shit. And I had no idea this would be the case. So, this is, what, Lesson 374? Eat as many prunes and blueberries and beans as you can handle, because even then, it won’t be enough. And take good reading material into the bathroom with you, and be prepared to be patient, because the alternative is hemmorhoids, the most terrifying 11 letter word on the planet. I would rather serve the rest of this pregnancy in a maximum security prison on Mars then have them.
With no exaggeration, there are approximately 67 other pressing & important things I should be doing right now. The attitude I had September 1st with my glowing optimism, pens juicy with ink, and acceptance that I could willingly give up every TV show, magazine and solid hours of eyebrow plucking time gladly if it meant I had figured out what I'm supposed to be doing here.. well this attitude is now pulsing to an irregular ugly beat.
Going to school is officially the hardest thing I've ever done.